Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Song
by Captain Sparkle
Summary: Harry Potter plus Bad Music equals Harry Potter the musical? One thing is for sure: the audience is in for a rough night.
1. The Boy Who Didn't Die

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Song

By starstruck and Tuvok Pi Alpha

Disclaimer: Nothing is ours. Not even the bloody PLOT. Much apologies to J.K. Rowling and whoever wrote the music to Oliver! The musical. No apologies to Avril Lavigne or Nsync. We improved their songs.

Author's Note: Another piece of insanity from us! Woo. Review right now.

AND. This is a REPOST. The new chapter is coming soon. We would be posting this on our other account, but... well, we're stupid and we blanked on our password. No really, we're stupid. Still review though D

The curtains open to reveal an extremely large actor with fake hair covering the majority of his large ugly face, much to the audience's relief. He sitting on a motorcycle suspended in the air with translucent (yet very visible) wires holding him up. He is carrying a small baby doll wrapped in a bright green blanket in his arms. Much to the dismay of the audience, he immediately breaks into song:

SONG ONE: Almost There

(sung to the tune of Avril Lavigne's "I'm With You")

I'm riding in the air

My arse's starting to hurt

I thought that you'd be dead by now

There's nothing but the wind

I cannot see the ground

This bike is drowning out all sound

Isn't anyone trying to kill you?

Someone's gotta come take you home

It's a bloody cold night

Trying to figure why you're 'live

Won't you bother someone else

Let me go back home

I don't know why they're dead

but you... you're alive

You're aliyi-iii-eeeee-yi-eeeeee-iiiiive!

I'm looking for that house

Searching for a roof

I lost the the map that I... once had

The motorcycle's dead

Not really but oh well

I still don't know why you're not dead

I just rhymed deh-ed with deh-head!

Why am I surprised he's not killed?

It's the same old crud

Harry Potter's still alive

Won't you stop wetting the blanket

and you're ALIIIVE

I don't know why you're live

but we're... almost there

ALMOST THERE

eeeeYEAHeeeeYEAH

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Why is everyone trying to kill you?

I think I'm going out of my miiiii-eeeeee-yiiiind

You, you-you-you

You-you-you

You-you-you

You-you-you

YOOOOOOOOOOOO-HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

It's a bloody cold night

Trying to figure why you're 'live

Won't you stop wetting the blanket

and you're ALIIIVE

I don't know why you're live

but we're... almost there

As one, the audience blinks. They cannot decide what is more disgusting: the playwright's horrible characterization of Hagrid, the frequent mention of the death of Harry, Avril Lavigne's horrible music, or "Hagrid's" horrible singing voice.

It's a bloody cold night

Trying to figure why you're 'live

Won't you stop wetting the blanket

and you're ALIIIVE

I don't know why you're live

but we're –

Hagrid flings his arms but is so deep in his song that he hardly notices when the baby blanket flies out of his arms and as the baby doll to hits the floor, Harry's head falls off and hits a member of the audience. The curtain closes immediately, but "Hagrid" is oblivious.

ALMOST THERE!

The music ends. The audience doesn't know whether to laugh or cry. In the meantime, the curtain opens to reveal "Dumbledore" and "McGonagall" (in a giant cat costume) with baby Harry's headless body in front of them. Mortified, a stage crew member rushes out and grabs "Harry" taking him backstage. Some audience member calls out "it's VOLDEMORT! Save Harry, Dumbledore!" but the actor just blinks and watches the stage crewperson frantically trying to stick Harry's head back into it's socket backstage.

DIRECTOR: Ahem.

DUMBLEDORE: Oh – er – MINERVA – I'm not surprised to see you.

McGonagall throws off the cat costume, which lands in the front row, temporarily blinding three audience members.

McGONAGALL: How did you know it was me?

DUMBLEDORE: I – uh – just did? to self Bloody hell, what's my line?

McGONAGALL: Er –

DUMBLEDORE: Stop that, you sound like Harry. I – uh – OH YEAH! I've never seen a bigger cat.

McGONAGALL: Are you calling me fat, Albus?

DUMBLEDORE: Ye-nohhhhh.

McGonagall blinks.

McGONAGALL: I heard the Potter's were dead.

DUMBLEDOREwatching a fly zoom around the stage area: Uh-huh.

McGONAGALL: Err. . . ARE the dead, Albus?

DUMBLEDORE: Uh-h – OH YEAH, they've potted their last pot.

McGONAGALLbursts into tears: How horrible.

DUMBLEDORE: Uh-huh.

McGONAGALL: Is Harry dead?

DUMBLEDORE: Uh-hu – I mean – no – too bad though.

They proceed to sing.

SONG TWO: Where is He?

(sung to the tune of "Where Is Love?" from Oliver Twist)

Where is heeee?

He whose name is Haaaa-aaaaaaaiiiiiiiirrryyyyyyy?

Is he riding on that motor-bike

That he'll soon dream-eeeam of?

Where is heeeee?

Who we close our eyes to see?

Were we stupid to trust Ha-ag-rid

With Ha-ah-ah-aiiiiiry?

Who can say where he may fly?

He has travled far and wide

'Til we are bedside the Harry who

Is still alive ... well hopefully

Where...?

Where is he?

Who can say where he may fly?

He has travled far and wide

'Til we are bedside the Harry who

Is still alive ... well hopefully

Where...?

Where is he?

The audience is mortified. Dumbledore and McGonagall wait for applause, but none comes. They decide to resume the scene. Hagrid walks in, still frantically trying to put Harry's head on.

DUMBLEDORE: Voldemort's gone.

Hagrid blinks, stupefied, as usual. Because of his momentary loss of conciousness and brain power, he drops Harry's head, which once again rolls off the stage and hits the exact same member of the audience as it did before.

McGONAGALL: DUH.

Dumbledore and Hagrid stare at her.

DUMBLEDORE: Uh-huh.

HAGRID: Cool.

Hagrid thinks for a moment.

HAGRID: BUT I doubt it.

"Dumbledore" and "McGonagall" start cracking up. Hagrid looks stupid.

McGONAGALL: He's GONE.

Hagrid blinks.

HAGRID: Um . . . okay then.

DUMBLEDORE: Uh-huh.

HAGRID: Uh . . . why are we here?

DUMBLEDORE: To give Harry to his evil aunt and uncle who will torture him for the next eleven years.

HAGRID: Oh.

A painful silence ensues.

HAGRID: What?

DUMBLEDORE: JUST GIVE ME HARRY!

Hagrid hands over the baby.

DUMBLEDORE: OH MY GOD THEY KILLED HARRY!

McGONAGALL: Don't be silly. They just beheaded him.

HAGRID: It'll grow back.

DUMBLEDORE: Okay. . . we'll just leave Harry in the freezing cold rain with this letter – but FEAR NOT! He shall be kept warm by our bye song!

SONG THREE: Bye, bye, bye

(sung to the tune of Nsync's "Bye Bye Bye")

(Hey, Hey)

Bye, Bye, Bye

Bye, Bye, Bye, Bye

Bye, Bye, Bye, Bye

Oh, Oh...

DUMBLEDORE:

I'm doin' this tonight,

Cause I have gotta do what's right!

And yes I'm always right!

I rhymed right with riii-ight

HAGRID:

I carried you endlessly,

You're way to he-aaah-vyyyyyyy

So now it's time to leave you here at this home

McGONAGALL:

I know that you will fuss and cry

When we say goodbye

I wanna see you in that door

Harry, bye, bye, bye...

ALL:

Bye bye bye bye

Don't wanna be a mom to you

Just another sing-song in this stupid play

You will hate us but we can't keep you,

Harry, bye, bye, bye...

Bye bye bye bye

Don't really wanna make you sad,

I just wanna tell you that I'm right you're wrong.

It might sound crazy,

But it ain't no lie,

Harry, bye, bye, bye

There is a long, even more painful silence. A baby in the audience cries.

DUMBLEDORE: Uh-huh.

McGONAGALL: Harry, bye, bye, bye.

The curtain closes. The audience sighs with relief.

HAGRID: Don't DIE, Harry!

DUMBLEDORE: Uh-huh.

That is, until it opens for – SCENE TWO insert scary music here. . .

To be continued . . .


	2. The Pretty Much Nonexistent Glass

Harry Potter & The Sorcerer's Song

Chapter Two

By starstruck & Tuvok Pi Alpha.

--

The curtain opens. The audience groans. The baby resumes it's crying.

A girl dressed in hot pink with a blue cape heads onto the stage.

SONG FOUR: Ten Years Ago

(sung to the tune of "Ten Minutes Ago" from Rodgers & Hammerstein's Cinderella)

Ten ye-hears ago, we met him

Dumbledore left him here at the door

The sign girl gestures to the big plastic door that indicates '7 Pivet Drive'. An audience member wearing a witch hat yells "FOUR! IT'S NUMBER FOUR, PRIVET DRIVE".

Your heads were all reeling

They gave you bad feelings

Their singing was cracking the floor

Several offstage voices yell "HEY!"

Ten ye-hears ago, we met him

"Dumbledore" suddenly comes on stage. The music pauses. He leans over and whispers very loudly to the sign girl.

DUMBLEDORE: IT WAS ELEVEN YEARS.

SIGN GIRL: ...not yet.

DUMBLEDORE: OH. SORRY.

Dumbledore exits. The music continues.

And they murmured their sweet, short goodbyes

You wanted to ring out that they shouldn't sing out

But then they all said more goodbyes

I just rhymed good-bye with goodbye

That has happened so much in this play

They were dancing, they were singing

And hey look there goes Sa-han-ta's sleigh!

I'm sorry that was so random

It's not like I wrote this dumb play

Besides pretty soooh-hooon

This song will be over

And so will be Santa's sleigh!

There is yet another long pause. The silence is broken by a loud audible whisper of "I don't get it."

SIGN GIRL: Screw this.

The sign girl exits.

There is another pause. Hagrid enters. "What the HELL?" yelps an audience member.

HAGRID: Oops, sorry, wrong scene!

Hagrid exits hastily, passing "Harry", who is no longer a doll, but still seems to be missing a head.

DIRECTOR offstage: HARRY, PULL YOUR DAMN SHIRT BACK DOWN SO WE CAN SEE YOUR HEAD.

He pulls down his shirt the reveal his face. As one, the audience screams. Harry is played by a fat, ugly, fat, old, fat old man.

HARRY: Oh dear. I am so small and skinny.

An audience member laughs.

HARRY: AHEM. It must be because I have lived in a cupboard all my life here at my evil stepmother's house.

"Petunia" walks onstage and blinks at the bright lights.

PETUNIA: I am Harry's evil **_AUNT_**. Not stepmother. Aunt.

HARRY: Right.

PETUNIA: Here's the backstory – we hate Harry. Lots. We have a son. Pudley.

HARRY: Dudley.

PETUNIA: I said Dudley.

HARRY: No you didn't.

PETUNIA: Yes I did.

HARRY: You said Pudley.

PETUNIA: No, I didn't.

HARRY: YES, you did.

Dumbledore heads onstage and blows a whistle.

DUMBLEDORE: Alright, break it up.

PETUNIA: But he said I said Pudley!

DUMBLEDORE: You did.

PETUNIA: Why is everyone against me?

DUMBLEDORE & HARRY: Because you said Pudley.

PETUNIA: NO I DIDN'T. End of conversation.

HARRY: WHATEVER. Moving on.

PETUNIA: Today, it is Fudley's birthday.

DUMBLEDORE: Dudley.

PETUNIA: I _said _Dudley.

HARRY: Whatever. Let's keep moving.

Dudley heads onstage and gives Dumbledore a weird look before waddling over to Petunia. He is also very fat, and there is an audible sigh of relief from the audience. At least they got one of the characters right.

DUDLEY: Where am I?

PETUNIA: Wudley, darling...

Dumbledore looks like he is about to correct her, but Harry gives him a look.

PETUNIA: ...you are in the kitchen. It is your birthday. Guess how many presents you have!

DUDLEY: W-T-F?

Uncle Vernon runs onstage and barks. An audience member wonders aloud "Is that a... dog?"

PETUNIA: ANYWAY. Guess how many presents you have, my marvelous Mudley.

DUMBLEDORE: Oh my god.

HARRY: Why are you here, anyway? You're not in this scene.

Dumbledore appears very miffed. He makes a dramatic exit, robes billowing behind him.

PETUNIA: Tudley, dear, you have THIRTY SIX PRESENTS.

Dudley blinks. Lively music begins. Dudley continues blinking. The music ends. As the music begins again, Harry nudges Dudley.

SONG FIVE: Last Time

(sung to the tune of Sarah Connor's "Bounce")

He-eh-ay-eh-ayyyyyy

Hu-ohhhh-ha-ehhh

Uhhh-eh-uh-uh-uh

I ain't gonna take this no more no

Oh baby

Last time, there were more

I ain't gonna take this no more

I just rhymed more with more

Get me some more

Or else I'm out the door

Cause last time, there were more

So I ain't gonna take this no more

Again, I rhymed more with more…

Get me some more

Or I'll punch out your lights!

So you'd better get more!

The baby begins to cry louder. The audience joins in. The music stops and the scene resumes. The audience's cries turn into a soft sobbing. The baby wails.

PETUNIA: Well, Studley, we're going to go buy you more on our way to the zoo. Does that sound ok?

Dudley tries to nod, but has immense trouble as his neck is nearly non-existent.

Petunia grabs Dudley's grubby hand and tells Harry to come along. She holds out a dog treat, and Vernon comes running.

The curtain closes for the preparation of the 'zoo' scene, and the audience wants to run, but somehow they can't move.

Harry steps out in front of the curtain, about to sing a song to buy time for the stage crew. The baby cries again.

SONG SIX: I am Miserable

(sung to the tune of Christina Aguilera's 'Beautiful')

Mmm mmm mmm mmmm mmm mmmmmmmmmmmmm

Moohhhhhhhhhhh

Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ahhh ahhhh

Ahhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhh

Oooooooooooooh

Everyday they think he's wonderful

But Dudley's fat

And I am not

(An audience member laughs.)

All the time I feel so unloved

They don't love me

They never will

I am miserable

From all the things they say

Family's all I-I need

I am miserable

From all the things they say

Yes, family's all I-I need, heeee heeeeed

I want a family todaaaaaay!

Mmmmmm mmmmmm

Ten years ago there was an accident

My parents died

So hard they tried

Ooooo oo-ooo-ooo mmmmmmm

Tryin' hard to save my sorry arse

Their lives – just go-oh-oh-ne

They were in so mu-hu-ch pain

And I wa-ah-sn't!

I am miserable

From all the things they say

Family's all I-I need heeee heeeeed

I am miserable

From all the things they say

Yes, family's all I-I need, heeee heeeeed

I want a family todaaaaaay!

Harry finishes his ballad. The audience gapes at him. Everyone has stopped crying. Forget the terrible acting, lyrics, and the awful tunes most of the songs are based on, and, oh yeah, the fact that a fat old man is playing Harry. Harry's voice is so stunningly gorgeous that they have forgotten all this. Suddenly, they decide to burst into simultaneous applause rather than plan escape during intermission.

Harry smiles a bit and glances nervously back at the curtain, which is still closed. There is a loud crash backstage.

STAGE MANAGERfrom the curtain: STALL, HARRY, STALL!

HARRY: Uh.

STAGE MANAGER: REALLY. WE'RE GONNA BE AWHILE.

HARRY: Er. Anyone fancy a bit of standup.

The audience is silent.

HARRY: Is that a yes.

RANDOM AUDIENCE MEMBER: SING, HARRY, SING.

There are suddenly chants of "Sing, Sing, Sing, Sing, Sing."

HARRY: Uhhh...

SONG SIX AND THREE QUARTERS: I am Miserable Reprise

(sung to the tune of Christina Aguilera's 'Beautiful')

Mmm mmm mmm mmmm mmm mmmmmmmmmmmmm

Moohhhhhhhhhhh

Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ahhh ahhhh

Ahhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhh

Oooooooooooooh

I am miserable

From all the things they say

Family's all I-I need

I am miserable

From all the things they say

Yes, family's all I-I need, heeee heeeeed

I want a family todaaaaaay!

Mmmmmm mmmmmm

Ooooo oo-ooo-ooo mmmmmmm

I am miserable

From all the things they say

Family's all I-I need heeee heeeeed

I am miserable

From all the things they say

Yes, family's all I-I need, heeee heeeeed

I want a family todaaaaaay!

The audience cries again – not from sorrow (gasp!) – but from pure, unadulterated bliss. Confused, Harry continues singing the chorus until (finally) the curtain opens.

The audience blinks. It seems rather impossible to have set problems with a set this simple – the only thing visible is a big, black sign reading ZOO. A child in the audience asks his father loudly where the animals are.

Petunia, Dudley, and Vernon the dog enter. Dudley waves.

DUDLEY: Hi, Mom!

Petunia hits him.

PETUNIA: Harry, we have been nice to you today. We gave you – uh – ehm – _what's my line_?

SCRIPT FOLLOWERALONGER: -- an ice lolly and a knickerbocker glory.

Half the audience frowns in confusion, wondering what the hell the Script Followeralonger is talking about. The other half rolls their eyes – the scriptwriter didn't do his homework – it's not an ice lolly in canon.

HARRY: Yes. Very nice of you.

DUDLEY: Hey I didn't get one.

Several audience members yell out "YES YOU DID" in frustration. Dudley stares at them, confused.

DUDLEY: Oh. Look. Snakes. Hee. Wow.

Several stage crew members dressed in black roll a fake-looking cage (with no glass) onto the stage. A woman in a form-fitting green catsuit is on it. Several idiotic male audience members whistle. The rest of the audience is merely confused.

PETUNIA: Look, Dudley! A snake!

VERNON: Woof!

DUDLEY: Oh, look. Wow.

HARRY: Poor snakey-poo. I bet you're sad.

The Dursleys, having nothing better to do, are all staring at Harry intently.

HARRY: I'm sad too! I don't have a family! Do you have a family? Haha. I am talking to a snake!

The snake begins to dance in a "sexy" way.

HARRY: Ooh. You are a pretty snake! Lalala. Where are you from? Canada? Is it nice there?

SNAKE: I was bred in captivity.

HARRY: Oh, no. He he. I am talking to a snake!

SNAKE: He he! I am talking to a human.

HARRY: He he! We are funny!

SNAKE: He he! No we're not!

HARRY: He he! You're right!

SNAKE: He he! I like you!

HARRY: He he! I like you too! Will you be my friend?

SNAKE: He he! Okay!

"FOR THE LOVE OF SNAPE, STOP IT WITH THE HEEING!" cries out a random audience member wearing a long black robe.

HARRY: I've never had a friend before.

As if he's been cued, Dudley runs up and jumps into the snake cage.

DUDLEY: Oh, no! I have fallen into the snake cake!

PETUNIA: Cake?

VERNON: Woof!

The snake dances sexily out of her cage.

SNAKE: The glass is gone! Thank you, friend. I am going to go to Canada now!

HARRY: Have you been there? Is it nice?

SNAKE: Bye.

DUDLEY: HARRY WAS TALKING TO THE SNAKE. O-M-G-L-O-L.

The snake runs off stage.

PETUNIA: HARRY YOU SUCK. I HATE YOU. YOU SUCK. VERNON WILL PUNISH YOU.

VERNON: Woof!

HARRY: Now I am sad.

VERNON: Woof!

HARRY: But I am always sad because I am miserable.

PETUNIA: Oh.

HARRY: You hate me! And everyone at school hates me because Dudley hates me.

PETUNIA: Yaaaaaaay!


End file.
